Starting on my parenting journey

I was (finally) diagnosed with depression in early 2006, and subsequently put on Zoloft, 25mg a day. Once my husband and I decided to try for our first child, I talked with my doctor about how to wean myself off before I got pregnant. I was on Zoloft for a grand total of four months. I weaned myself off Zoloft first, then went off birth control. I got pregnant in September of 2006. Pregnancy was amazing. I felt on top of the world! I had wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I loved life, and I loved being pregnant. We knew, because of my depression and family history, to be on the lookout for post-partum depression. It was even more of a worry because we were moving right when our baby would have been about two months old. Those are two pretty big life changes right around the same time. But I got lucky, at least at first. It was a very easy pregnancy, and kind-of a scary delivery, but I did a great job at staying calm through the delivery. The lack of sleep did NOT sit well with me at first, even though I knew to expect it. Bryan had three weeks off after our son was born, but his main focus was taking care of me and of the house, so that I could focus on taking care of our son. I made it through the newborn period, and the horrible start to breast-feeding amazingly intact. Then came the move. The packing was embarrassing, because I hadn't done anything, and the packers were not happy with us. But we already had a house leased, so we could move right in. Unpacking went slowly, but steadily. We only had one vehicle, which my husband drove to work, so I was home-bound with our then-three-month-old son. We were two hours away from family, so I had really NO social outlet aside from online interactions. My depression came back in a big way when my son was about 14 months old. A month later, I decided to do something about it. That's when we learned that I was pregnant again. I had just weaned my son from breastfeeding, and hadn't yet been using any birth control. We were totally shocked. I knew I wanted more children, but I wanted to wait until our son was at least three years old, or in school. At first, my husband wanted more as well, but as he realized what havoc just one child can wreak on a house, on a marriage, he wasn't so sure he wanted to add to that. Well, God decided for us. My husband was super stressed out by the impending addition. I tried really hard to be happy about it, but not TOO happy, since my husband so obviously wasn't. The restriction weighed heavily on me. About four or five months along, I started having nightmares about things that happened to me when I was younger. I was having a hard time handling my son, and my doctor and I decided to have me go back on Zoloft. Then we learned the gender. My husband wanted another boy, meaning no buying of extra stuff, no worries about needing separate bedrooms, and easier for him to relate to. I hoped for a girl, to be the girly girl that I never was, never got to be. I got my wish. I was two for two, and my husband was not happy. I went through a very short period of odd grief for the second son that never would be, just like I mourned for the first daughter I would not have when we found out we were having a boy the first time (even though we both wanted a boy first). Plus I had to deal with my husband's deepening depression over having a second child, and it being a girl. Yeah, I needed Zoloft. The stress took it's toll on my body. I was diagnosed with low blood sugar and low blood pressure, and low blood iron. I had spells where I nearly fainted. But after all of that, I had what had to be one of the easiest deliveries on record. I had an epidural, but barely needed it. The anesthesiologist had to make me press the button for the drug. I loved being able to feel my daughter moving through the birth canal. When it came time, I only had to push three times. She'd had a bowel movement, so the doctor got to visit with her before I did, but I didn't mind. I was so much more relaxed with her as a newborn than I had been with my son. I think that's why she was such an easier baby. Breastfeeding her wasn't nearly as difficult either. I stayed on the Zoloft throughout and after my pregnancy. I still had my bad days, where I would get depressed, but Zoloft helped take the edge off. However, it has taken a toll on my marriage, in the form of no sex life. My husband is a very virile man, and he gets very depressed when he goes more than a week without sex. Zoloft made me very disinterested in sex. Finally, I realized that I needed to start focusing on my husband's needs more. So I called my doctor and asked about switching anti-depressants. I am now in the last days of Zoloft. The first weaning week, I took half a pill each day. The second week, I took a half a pill every other day. I am in the middle of that second week, and today has been very bad. I called my mother on the verge of tears, because I was barely functioning and had no patience for my children. She dealt with depression her whole life, so she knew exactly what I was going through. It was the perfect therapy.

One big problem I face with depressive episodes like this is that when I have a bad thought, I always end up second-guessing myself: Is my depression making me think this way, or is this a real thought?